Relational Aggression

I just started reading a book about relational aggression (Odd Girl Out), and I really liked the description of why relational aggression happens more often between girls then with boys.

"...as Carol Gilligan has shown, relationships play an unusually important role in girls' social development. In her work with girls and boys, she found that girls perceive danger in their lives as isolation, especially the fear that by standing out they will be abandoned. Boys, however, describe danger as a fear of entrapment or smothering...The centrality of relationship in girls' lives all but guarantees a different landscape of aggression and bullying, with its own distinctive features worthy of separate study."

"Socialized away from aggression, expected to be nice girls who have "perfect relationships," many girls are unprepared to negotiate conflict. As a result, a minor disagreement can call an entire relationship into question....when the skills to handle a conflict are absent, the specific matter cannot be addressed. If neither girl wants to be "not nice," the relationship itself may become the problem. And when there are no other tools to use in a conflict, the relationship itself may become a weapon."

Tantrums and Aggression in Children

I wanted to share an interesting thought from a book I've been reading (Becoming Attached).

This is concerning hatred and aggression (especially directed towards parents):

"Being allowed to have these feelings without being overwhelmed by guilt or anxiety helps the child to accept the ambivalence that is part of every close relationship and gives him the confidence that he can control his negative impulses, that they do not have to destroy him or those he loves."

"...even if his extreme negative feelings are too much for him, they are not too much for her; she can "hold" them, and through his relationship with her he will learn to manage them one day himself."

Conflict Resolution

Does your child hurt other kids when they are angry or upset? (Mine used to - a lot!) I have worked with many physically aggressive kids and have come to realize that sometimes they simply need help learning & practicing good old fashioned conflict resolution skills. Here are some of the ones that are simple, but good for our kids to learn and practice using:

1. How to ignore it when someone is bugging you
2. Using words calmly but confidently (this one is good to practice in front of the mirror) to tell someone to stop doing something that upsets you.
3. Sharing, turn-taking (using a timer, perhaps), & trading.
4. Using chance to solve arguments (i.e., flipping a coin, playing jan ken po, throwing dice)
5. How to recognize that you are losing your temper and cool yourself down by taking deep breaths, relaxing, etc.
6. How to distract yourself or avoid conflict by choosing another activity.
7. Knowing when to get adult help if the conflict is serious or if you think someone is going to get hurt.

Once you have taught how these skills work, children learn them best when you or another adult is there to help them at the "point of performance" - that is, right when they are about to hurt another child because they are upset. Help your child take a deep breath to calm down, then suggest a non-aggressive option for them to use from their repertoire of conflict resolution skills. Or, as they get older, help them generate their own non-aggressive solutions to solving problems & then assist them in choosing and implementing a solution.