Book Review: Why Gender Matters

I just finished reading Why Gender Matters and wanted to do a little review of it here.

I really liked this book because the author, Dr. Sax, showed good research about the biological differences between boys and girls (not the socialogical differences). He showed research done on the brain, eyes, ears, etc.

A few things I learned:

• girls have better hearing then boys...the implications for this are huge--put a boy at the back of a classroom (where boys often sit) and they won't be able to hear, and thus will act distracted and become disruptive and then they might even get labled with ADHD...
  


• boys and girls have different eye shapes, which means they see things in a different way. boys are drawn to movement and girls are drawn to faces...one example that makes a lot of sense in my experience are boys will draw pictures using only one or two colors of action (a rocket ship taking off, etc.) and girls will use lots of colors--pinks, yellows, greens, etc. and draw pictures of people
  


• boys and girls use different parts of their brains for language and other activities (as simply put as I can).
  


• boys are typically more willing to take risks and girls more tentative about risk-taking...I couldn't believe how many studies he presented that showed the same thing

Some suggestions that Dr. Sax gave that I want to remember:

Overall:

1. affirm your child's gender...it is a natural part of who they are. if they aren't comfortable with their gender and aren't sure of this central part of who they are, they aren't going to find a comfort level anywhere


2. don't discourage them from choosing gender typical activities, nor should you discourage them from participating in gender atypical activities if they choose


3. be aware of your child and their friends and activities...one of the best ways to do this is to have family dinners


4. you need to discipline your child...some things should just not be negotiable...and girls and boys need different dicipline styles. boys need more authoritative (strict), and girls need more "warm and fuzzy" or induction ("how would you feel if...")


5. gender specific cross generational activities should be provided for both boys and girls (especially boys)...Dr. Sax talked a lot about this in teaching boys and girls how to be successful and respectful individuals. Boys especially need to have time with men to learn how to be men (this is missing in most schools now because teachers are largly female)


6. know your child--know his or her strengths and weaknesses, and try to sense what he/she can become--don't push them in a direction that worked for you or another child, but help them see who they are and the goodness in them


7. on risk taking: for girls, encourage them to take risks...build them up, help them accomplish hard things, but don't let them quit if they've been hurt or failed; for boys, "affirm the knight"--aggression is natural and good for boys. you can't force a boy not to be aggressive, so find a way to allow this in a positive way (football, karate, soccer, etc.). when you take away boys opportunities to be aggressive it sometimes builds up and causes bigger problems


8. if your daughter is being bullied (and for girls bullying takes the form of gossip, ruining a reputation, isolating her from friends, and is typically done by close friends), take her seriously, and do what you need to to remove her from the friends doing the bullying..this could be having her participate in some different extra-curricular activity or can be as extreme as transferring her schools


9. Talk to your child about sex: know that boys (especially teenagers) have sex for a kick, and girls typically have sex to be intimate and to feel loved...both end up being hurt. it destroys each of their abilities to form and maintain healthy relationships. "practicing" romantic relationships in high school is practicing at the wrong thing because typically physical looks and popularity drive what forms the relationships. beware that the trend now is for teenagers to just hang out in large groups and not ever "pair" off, and kids have oral sex not taking it seriously

Forced Choices

Here's another simple trick that works with my son & the preschool students I work with at school: when you want your child to do something but they are refusing to do it, give them a choice between 2 different options. You choose the options... so both of them will be acceptable to you. I use this a lot when my son is refusing to transition to a new activity, such as from bathtime (which he loves), to bedtime (which he, um, doesn't love quite so much). I say something like, "It's time to get out of the bathtub. You can get out by yourself or I can help you." And then follow through is the key, of course - so I actually do help him out of the bathtub if he chooses not to on his own. This is a simple example, but you can always get more creative in your offering of options. Independence and control are so important to toddlers and preschoolers - giving them a choice instead of commanding or forcing them to do something can be an easy way to avoid a control battle or tantrum and can improve your relationship with them.

Can Do

It's my turn to post!
Amy & I attended a great little parenting skills workshop together last year. I have found one of the simple skills we learned to be surprisingly helpful in parenting my 3 year old. It's called "Can Do" - you use it when you see your child doing something you don't want them to do (that never happens, right?) and it is meant to help you guide your child into a more acceptable behavior. It's a great alternative to the more negative "no," "stop," and "don't!" I find myself using too often with my toddler.

These are the steps involved with this skill:
1. Notice what you don't want your child to do.
2. Think of something your child can do instead.
3. Tell your child what he or she can do.
4. Help your child if necessary.

Pretty easy, right? But the trick is not to say"no" or "don't" at all when you use the skill - just calmly guide your child into the more appropriate behavior. The classic example is a child who is coloring on the wall - Tell them they can color on paper instead & get them some paper to help them get started. It gets more difficult in real life situations - but worth a try!

Limits

A kid's job is to push limits (as far as they can)...they need to find out where the limits are so they know how to act.

A parent's job is to set limits--and then keep them. Once the limits are set, a parent then needs to be consistent. If it's not okay to dump out mom's purse today, then it shouldn't be okay to dump out mom's purse tomorrow. Otherwise, if the kid gets in trouble, all the kid will know is that he/she got in trouble.

If you think about it, we are the same way--if we are expected to do something, we want to know the limits that we have to work in...how many times did you hate it in school when a teacher said "write a paper." With no other guidance this becomes a hard task...but when given further instructions, such as "within 2-3 pages," "due at such and such a date," and within certain topics.

*What limits have your kids pushed?
**What limits have you set that you find difficult to be consistent about?