Feelings & Reflective Listening

I just finished reading the STEP (Systematic Training for Effective Parenting) Parent's Handbook. Great book! I will list a link for it on this site in case anyone is interested.
There are many great skills outlined in this book. I will share a bit on Reflective Listening.

It's important to listen for feelings so your kids feel understood & can get your help with thinking about what they are feeling or thinking through their problems. Reflective listening, or listening for feelings, is actually a skill that can be learned. Here's how to do it:
1. Listen. Pay full attention to your child.
2. Hear the feeling Think of a word that describes the feeling. Also ask yourself: Why is my child feeling this way?
3. Use reflective listening. Think of yourself as a mirror that reflects your child's feelings and the REASON berhind the feeling. Use the format: You feel ____________ because _________.

One example (from my son's life): "You feel angry because Matthew took the toy you wanted to play with." When you use reflective listening often, it will feel more natural and you will be able to use your own words. But using this format is a great way to get started!

FLIP IT

FLIPT IT is a strategy designed to help us deal with and "transform" challenging behaviors in young kids (up to 8 yrs old). It was introduced to me by the staff at Head Start. I think it is amazing and works wonders with little preschool guys and gals. It really helps them learn replacement behaviors rather than just get rid of behaviors we don't want to see. I think the Devereux Early Childhood Initiative owns the rights to this strategy and even conducts trainings on how to use it, so of course I want to give them credit for it. Click here if you would like more information.

And here is a basic breakdown of the FLIP IT strategy with an example of how to use it.

Feelings
Limits
Inquiries
Prompts

Here is an example of how to use FLIP IT: Say that two preschool children are playing together. One child, Johnny, is excited to play with a truck. Ben decides he wants the same truck and grabs it before Johnny has a chance and begins playing with it. Johnny pushes Ben and steals the truck away from him. An adult could intervene using FLIP IT by first identifying Johnny's FEELING: "Looks like you felt disappointed when Ben took the truck you wanted to play with." Then, the adult could state the LIMITS for Johnny. "But we don't hurt others." Then, the adult could make INQUIRIES into what other options Johnny has for dealing with his disappointment: "What else could you do instead of hurting Ben?" and then PROMPT Johnny with an option: "I'll bet if you asked Ben if you could have a turn after he's done, he would share that truck with you."