"I Think I Can, I Think I Can!"

Self-Efficacy is the ability to define a goal, perservere, and see oneself as capable.

The building blocks of self-efficacy:
1) Opportunities for mastery
2) Allow opportunities to observe others succeeding at the task
3) Direct persuasion by others (giving specific feedback about strengths that will help accomplish the task).
4) Positive emotions

Here are some ways we can develop self-efficacy:
*Challenge negative thoughts and replace with a postive truthful idea
*Teach goal setting
*Notice, analyze and celebrate successes
*Use process praise (notice the efforts and specific steps a child has taken to accomplish something)
*Provide opportunities for mastery experiences
*Be honest and realistic (we aren't going to succeed at everything--talk about it when there is a failure, talk about what he/she could have done differently, and what strengths he/she can use to do better in the future)
**Slow down and really notice what your child is doing
**Be specific--specific praise (i.e. you dribble the ball really well) and not just general statements like "good job."
** Name strengths

--Information taken from NASP Communique, Nov. 2010, "Self-Efficacy: Helping Children Believe they Can Succeed."

FLIP IT

FLIPT IT is a strategy designed to help us deal with and "transform" challenging behaviors in young kids (up to 8 yrs old). It was introduced to me by the staff at Head Start. I think it is amazing and works wonders with little preschool guys and gals. It really helps them learn replacement behaviors rather than just get rid of behaviors we don't want to see. I think the Devereux Early Childhood Initiative owns the rights to this strategy and even conducts trainings on how to use it, so of course I want to give them credit for it. Click here if you would like more information.

And here is a basic breakdown of the FLIP IT strategy with an example of how to use it.

Feelings
Limits
Inquiries
Prompts

Here is an example of how to use FLIP IT: Say that two preschool children are playing together. One child, Johnny, is excited to play with a truck. Ben decides he wants the same truck and grabs it before Johnny has a chance and begins playing with it. Johnny pushes Ben and steals the truck away from him. An adult could intervene using FLIP IT by first identifying Johnny's FEELING: "Looks like you felt disappointed when Ben took the truck you wanted to play with." Then, the adult could state the LIMITS for Johnny. "But we don't hurt others." Then, the adult could make INQUIRIES into what other options Johnny has for dealing with his disappointment: "What else could you do instead of hurting Ben?" and then PROMPT Johnny with an option: "I'll bet if you asked Ben if you could have a turn after he's done, he would share that truck with you."

Psychobabble

One of my grad school books, "Solution-Focused Counseling in Middle and High Schools,"fell off of our bookshelf and onto my son's head tonight (don't worry, it's a paperback). While skimming through it earlier today, I was reminded of a few of the questions counselors use to help their clients through the problem-solving process. These types of questions help us reframe our problems so we can more easily come up with new solutions. I usually ask myself similar questions when I am trying to solve a problem in my own life.

Here they are:
1. The "Miracle" question: Suppose that one night, while you were sleeping, you woke up and the problem was solved. How would you know? How would things be different?

2. When is your problem absent or less noticeable? (noticing when there are exceptions to our problems helps us figure out how to solve them)

3. What advice would you give to another person who is dealing with this same kind of problem?

Try them out- they really work! :)

Relational Aggression

I just started reading a book about relational aggression (Odd Girl Out), and I really liked the description of why relational aggression happens more often between girls then with boys.

"...as Carol Gilligan has shown, relationships play an unusually important role in girls' social development. In her work with girls and boys, she found that girls perceive danger in their lives as isolation, especially the fear that by standing out they will be abandoned. Boys, however, describe danger as a fear of entrapment or smothering...The centrality of relationship in girls' lives all but guarantees a different landscape of aggression and bullying, with its own distinctive features worthy of separate study."

"Socialized away from aggression, expected to be nice girls who have "perfect relationships," many girls are unprepared to negotiate conflict. As a result, a minor disagreement can call an entire relationship into question....when the skills to handle a conflict are absent, the specific matter cannot be addressed. If neither girl wants to be "not nice," the relationship itself may become the problem. And when there are no other tools to use in a conflict, the relationship itself may become a weapon."

Conflict Resolution

Does your child hurt other kids when they are angry or upset? (Mine used to - a lot!) I have worked with many physically aggressive kids and have come to realize that sometimes they simply need help learning & practicing good old fashioned conflict resolution skills. Here are some of the ones that are simple, but good for our kids to learn and practice using:

1. How to ignore it when someone is bugging you
2. Using words calmly but confidently (this one is good to practice in front of the mirror) to tell someone to stop doing something that upsets you.
3. Sharing, turn-taking (using a timer, perhaps), & trading.
4. Using chance to solve arguments (i.e., flipping a coin, playing jan ken po, throwing dice)
5. How to recognize that you are losing your temper and cool yourself down by taking deep breaths, relaxing, etc.
6. How to distract yourself or avoid conflict by choosing another activity.
7. Knowing when to get adult help if the conflict is serious or if you think someone is going to get hurt.

Once you have taught how these skills work, children learn them best when you or another adult is there to help them at the "point of performance" - that is, right when they are about to hurt another child because they are upset. Help your child take a deep breath to calm down, then suggest a non-aggressive option for them to use from their repertoire of conflict resolution skills. Or, as they get older, help them generate their own non-aggressive solutions to solving problems & then assist them in choosing and implementing a solution.

Problem Behaviors--Part 2

The next part of the process of trying to solve problem behaviors is to create a behavior plan.

If we go with the premise that each behavior has some function, then the most effective way to change a behavior is to replace it with some other behavior. For some behaviors this means teaching the child a new skill, for others it may be just reinforcing a different behavior. The possibilities here are endless.

To figure out what we need to do, we complete the "ABC" part as described in Part 1, and use the information we have sorted out to drive what we will do to implement a "behavior plan."

For our sample question (see previous post), here are three steps I might try:

1) Planned ignoring--this is useful if the purpose of the behavior is to get attention (don't give the child any attention after they have stuck the object up their nose--the new consequence will now be that they have an uncomfortable object up their nose)--this by the way is one of the most effective things for tantrums--the key is not giving attention to the kid if they increase their behavior
2) Replace the child's behavior (sticking random objects up his nose) with another behavior. If we think the function is because he/she just thinks it is interesting or because they like the feeling of the things up his nose, we might try finding a toy where the child can stick small objects in holes, or something to replace that sensory need. If we think the function is to get attention, think about the "A" or antecedent--what is happening before hand??? Is there a way we can give him/her attention in some other way. Think about ways that would really work for your kid to get your attention and still be acceptable to you.
3) Reinforce the new behavior...some replacement behaviors simply are reinforcement enough, but if you are having the child do a new behavior to get your attention, you want to make sure you are giving them your attention when they do the new behavior.

If you have a hard time coming up with what you may think the function of your child's behavior is, and thus having a hard time coming up with replacement behaviors, it's okay. This isn't a natural process, but it can be very useful and very successful if you are consistent in your approach.

If you do try to implement something consistently and it doesn't work, go through the ABC's and come up with another strategy.

--Kelli and I have had more classes and workshops on this topic than we can count. If you want help with a specific problem behavior let us know and we'll try to walk you through different things you can try...we may just ask for a lot of information on the specific thing that you are struggling with!

Problem Behaviors--Part 1

My friend Wendi asked the following question:

My two year old likes to randomly put small things up his nose so far that you can't see them. How can I stop this behavior positively and effectively? Telling him not to stick things up his nose hasn't really worked very well.

I have a really long winded answer to this (at least something you can try) that should apply to almost all undesirable behaviors.

There is a method called a "functional behavior assessment" and "behavior plan" which I used all the time in the schools. While I have never done this on a two year old, I have implemented it with kids with Autism and Down Syndrome (as well as many other kids), so I think the same principles will apply to all kids.

The basis of it is that all behaviors have some function or purpose (to get attention, for sensory input, avoid something, etc.).

When you are trying to stop a behavior that is annoying, dangerous, disruptive, etc., you need to first look at the behavior in a broader picture. The ABC method:

A--Antecedent (or what is happening before the behavior occurs)
B--Behavior (exactly what is the child doing)
C--Consequences (what happens after the behavior occurs)

I will use our original question as an example:
(Keep in mind I don't know all the details so I will put various possibilities)

A-- 1) kid is bored, everyone else in the house is occupied, mom is doing a million things and hasn't been able to give kid individual attention; 2) find small objects, find them interesting, trying to figure out how things work

B--kid puts small object into his nose

C--1) mom gets mad (kid gets attention--even if it is negative this is something the kid gets out of it--negative attention is still attention); 2) it feels good (this would be a sensory thing); 3) kid gets satisfaction out of putting something in a hole

I will post tomorrow about the behavior plan...what to do once you've kind of narrowed down the "ABC's" of the behavior.

Just Breathe

We've all heard that we need to relax...this is actually a REALLY important skill for both us to learn and our kids to learn. I've always heard (in about every counseling class or workshop I've been in) that we should help teach kids to take deep breaths, but I never really understood the purpose behind it.

At one of the workshops I attended in February, I learned a couple of reasons that deep breathing helps us relax. I think this is good to know because it convinced me that it wasn't just in my head that it helped (although it kind of is just in my head:)...)

The first reason deep breathing works so well is that when you stretch your diaphram (which happens when you take a deep breath), it sends a message to the Vegas Nerve in your brain that tells your brain that it is time to relax.

The second reason deep breathing works so well is that it increases the amount of carbon dioxide in your body--too much oxygen overstimulates your brain.

If you aren't convinced, just try it--really try it. Just lay on the floor and breathe for 5 minutes--it makes a difference...have your kids/husband, etc. do it with you...make it a daily habit and then in difficult situations your kids will be trained to calm down. (By the way, you can't train a child how to relax when they are upset--you have to train them while they are already calm.)